A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.
Inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the home-owner’s wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:
‘Listen, this guy is an escaped convict.
Look at his clothes!
He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck.
If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain…do whatever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is obviously very dangerous.
If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both..
Be strong, honey. I love you!’
His wife responded: ‘He wasn’t kissing my neck - he was whispering in my ear.
He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline.
I told him it was in the bathroom.
‘Be strong honey. I love you, too!’
Daddy’s car in the woods
Little Johnny watched his daddy’s car pass by the school
playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed
the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. ‘Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was
giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt..Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane…’
At this point Mummy cut him off and said, ‘Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time.I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.’
At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, ‘I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs.’
Moral: Sometimes, you need to just shut up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!
As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all.
Here are just a few reasons why:
A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask,
‘What are you thinking?’ She doesn’t care what you think.
If a woman over 40 doesn’t want to watch the game,
she doesn’t sit around whining about it.
She does something she wants to do, and it’s usually more interesting.
Women over 40 are dignified.
They seldom have a screaming match
with you at the opera
or in the middle of an expensive restaurant.
Of course, if you deserve it, they won’t hesitate to shoot you
if they think they can get away with it.
Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved.
They know what it’s like to be unappreciated.
Women get psychic as they age.
You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40.
Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is
far sexier than her younger counterpart.
Older women are forthright and honest.
They’ll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one.
You don’t ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons.
Unfortunately, it’s not reciprocal.
For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40,
there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself
with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.
For all those men who say,
‘Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?
here’s an update for you.
Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage.
Why? Because women realize it’s not worth buying an entire pig
just to get a little sausage!
